As a human behavioural expert and speaker at relationship seminars, I have worked with hundreds of relationships to improve both partners’ appreciation and share tolls to overcome relationship-ending challenges. I’m also in a long time loving relationship and draw inspiration daily assisting my clients to gain clarity, understanding, knowledge and power in their relationship lives.
I define a relationship as a bond between two people, there are different levels of bonding and commitment and it is mutually up to both partners to be clear and agree on the type of bond they desire for their relationship. The label cheating is quite often used for partners who have both agreed to commit solely to each other and one or both sides stray towards being with another partner in one form or another (emotionally, mentally, flirting, physically, sexually +more).
What is commonly defined as ‘cheating’ has been happening since the start of time and will continue to happen until the end of time. It is a normality and according to SexualHealthAustralia.com
"Extramarital Affairs/Infidelities are common. Most estimates indicate that around 60% of men and 45% of women are willing to report that an affair has occurred sometime in their marriage and it suggests that 70% of all marriages experience an affair.”
So how do we predict when our partners or ourselves are feeling like straying away from the relationship and what can we do to prevent this from happening or dissolve any damage done once it has happened?
To answer this question we must first explain why people feel the need to look towards others in the first place. Every human being living on planet earth lives their life by a set of values. Their values dictate and determine what they consider to be right and wrong, good and bad, their morals and ethics. Our values are that of which we consider important to us and we want to import into our mind and sphere of awareness. No two human beings have the same set of values and every human being has a hierarchy of values (A hierarchy of what they consider to be most to least important in their lives). Furthermore, our values are determined by our voids, meaning that of which we perceive to be missing or empty in our lives.
Understanding our values, alongside our partners and the importance they play in maintaining a loving and caring relationship
Whenever someone aligns with our highest values we pull them closer and call them friends. Whenever someone rejects and puts down our highest values, we feel repulsed and call them enemies. Our partners also experience the same emotional roller coasters. At the beginning of a relationship we perceive that our partners generally align with our values and see more similarities than differences, more support towards our values than challenges to them. This is commonly known as the honeymoon stage or the infatuation stage.
As the relationship develops, we experience more of the mate we are with and when this happens, we are awoken to their full self. We experience all traits and now have more information to judge or perceive our partners by. If at this point we still perceive that their values strongly align with ours then we will want them close to us and are not as interested in looking at another. We will choose the one (monogamy) over the many (polygamy). If we start to feel heavily challenged by our partner (as if they are not aligned with our values), then we will look towards the many instead of monogamy to gain fulfilment in the areas we perceive are not being fulfilled.
Communicating in each others values, the difference between feeling appreciated and unappreciated in your relationship
Our connection and disconnect to our partners is dependent on our perceptions on our values and theirs. Now, since every human being has a different set of values, we will perceive that we have attracted someone with a different set of values at times. For example: you may appreciate shopping, fine dining and expensive holidays. Your partner on the other hand, may not feel the need for those and appreciate a walk in the park, basic living and family time at home. If you’re unable to see how to not only fulfil each other’s values, but also to appreciate your partner’s then the relationship will decay and both partners will feel more drawn to others who resemble the life, lifestyle and value systems they pursue to acquire in this life.
Balancing and mastering all seven areas of life, feeling fulfilled for yourself & the relationship
Everything in nature evolves and this includes relationships. If we stay stagnant in any area and don’t evolve, the relationship breaks down as it becomes mundane and boring. Every relationship yearns to grow in the following areas;
Physical Health & Beauty: We desire to be physically attracted to our partners and also hold onto our youth and vitality. We do not desire to look old fast or date a partner that is losing health and vitality with the possibility of an early death.
Financial Mastery: We look to obtain financial stability and mastery for relationship, our possible future children and ourselves. We look to avoid the pain and stresses of debt, a lack of finances and a partner that is not managing their finances, creating unnecessary extra stress on the relationship.
Familial Stability: We desire to have stability within our family, our partners and potential children. We aim to avoid any chance of disorder and disorganisation within the family household, causing extra stress.
Spiritual Mastery: We look to acquire a spiritual purpose and mission on planet earth, have meaning to our lives and date a partner that is also inspired by their spiritual purpose. We aim to avoid dating someone that is not highly inspired by what they do and draining themselves and us constantly, with pity party stories about why they aren't doing what they love.
Mental Genius: We desire to express our unique genius with a large audience and share our vision, as well as attracting a partner with a beautiful intelligent mind. We dread the idea of dating someone with a lack of intelligence and feeling like they are of lower understanding and appreciation of the world to us.
Vocational Mastery: We desire to wake up every morning, to get up loving what we do and doing what we love, having a fulfilling career that challenges us to express our genius mind and talents daily, alongside having a partner that feels the same way about their chosen career path. We avoid the thought of living life going from job to job and hating what we do daily, alongside attracting a partner that feels the same way.
Social Mastery: We desire to have social empowerment and be connected to a powerful social network that we assist and assists us in achieving our highest values. We also desire to attract a partner with these same qualities. We despise the idea of attracting someone that is a loner, hides away from the world with nothing to offer and feeling the same ourselves.
In any relationship, in any country on planet earth, both partners consciously or unconsciously will be attempting to master all seven areas of life, but in different forms, with different values for each form. When we can see how our partner having the same and different values to us in any form is equally a benefit and a drawback, we will appreciate them more. If we cannot, then we will feel challenged and challenge them to change. Whenever we try to change someone relative to us, they build resentment and want to break out of the relationship to gain their power back.
If we look for more support in a relationship we create more challenge for trying to manipulate our partner’s point of view into ours. If we attempt to challenge them more, we attract more support to attempt to balance out the ratio of support and challenge required in the relationship to maximise it’s potential for growth. Too much support leaves us bored; too much challenge leaves us disconnected. A perfect balance of support and challenge allows both partners to grow equally on their mission to self and relationship mastery daily.
Not having a fulfilling sex life
Quite often under-rated by many couples, sex is amongst the most intimate acts we can perform with another human being. When a couple does not feel that they are sexually satisfied, the human mind looks for fulfilment in other ways to express this animal impulse and instinct. The form of which they express their repressed sexual desires may come as porn, perving, flirting, online dating, liking pictures on facebook, fantasising or more. In some form they are all minor forms of straying (even if mental), as they involve replacing one’s partner with a different stimulant to gain sexual satisfaction. It is wise to have open discussions about sex, and values link sex to growing the relationship. Working on all areas of the relationship and empowering your values along with your partners also increases the sexual drive and desire for each other.
Not dissolving past baggage
One of the greatest distractions in a relationship can often be unresolved baggage from past partners, events (people that continually creep into the relationship). It’s like dating someone and being punished for the mistakes all their x-partners made, as they haven’t resolved the emotional baggage consciously and unconsciously. This unresolved baggage creates an unnecessary toll on the relationship and can easily push partners away looking for a clean break in another’s arms. The key is to dissolve baggage as soon as possible and clear up your mind, heart and space in the relationship for you to focus and be present now. The greatest tool to do so with absolute precision is The Demartini Method®, the only tool that 100% balances past baggage forever.
The grass is greener on the other side illusion
When we are single we often think about dating the one partner after weeks, months, years of dating. When we are in a committed relationship, we often wonder about the many, and find our minds curious as to whether the grass is greener on the other side. This perfectly normal and is to be expected. The truth however, is that the grass is just as green on the other side. There are equally as many benefits as there are drawbacks in being single, as there are in a relationship. They are simply in different forms. In a relationship you will have a partner to consider and look after financially and mentally, which takes time and energy. However when single, you are in charge of everything and don’t have someone to bounce the work load off to free up some time and be there to assist you mentally, emotionally and physically. Realising that both sides are equally green frees up our minds and hearts to be present and grateful for whichever side of the fence we perceive we are on.
Now I only have a limited time on this post, so for those of you wanting to get more of an understanding on how to clean up and dissolve negative emotions and unbalanced perceptions simply click here and I will explain in further detail.